Farewell Assistance

Her Decision

2009-01-07T20:27:00.000-08:00

My mom visited us for the holidays. She informed me that she had decided to donate her body to science when she dies, and asked me to look over the papers and witness her signature. She wanted to know how I felt about this decision, and all I could say was that I wanted to support any decision she made; it was her choice. She explained that she had always liked to help people in life, and would like to do so in death. I was honored to be her witness. We tried to make it as matter-of-fact as we could, but it was still weirdly unpleasant, facing the inevitable and unimaginable. I admire her for doing this, and I am grateful she made this decision for herself, and for me and my siblings. Like she said, she likes to help people. Thoughtful and generous to the end.

Death Midwifery

2008-08-20T18:01:00.000-07:00

This weekend I will be attending a workshop on conducting home funerals featuring Jerrigrace Lyons, owner of Final Passages, one of the pioneers in the field. I don't particularly like the term Death Midwife; I don't think it is accurate. Death Midwives don't help anyone die, they help the family cope with death, indeed, and support them while they process the loss through ceremony, community and magical thinking. When I started my business, it was not to assist the dead and dying, but to assist the living who must continue at a loss. Each circumstance is so unique and individual, and grief is such a distinct emotion that can incapacitate even the strongest of souls. Perhaps I will be assisting the dead, by being there for those they can no longer care for, be brave for, and protect. It should be an interesting weekend.

Let your children paint their walls

2008-06-10T18:29:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I watch Oprah while I make dinner (and enjoy a glass of wine). Today I made sure that I didn't miss the show that promoted a visit with Dr. Randy Pausch, a professor at Carnegie-Mellon, who is dying of pancreatic cancer. As he said, "Of all the cancers you would not want to get, this would be the first." But he wasn't there to talk about disease and death, but how to live your best life.

His appearance did not disappoint. Oprah asked some tough questions, and made her job look easy, which it was not. I was crying, because Randy's was an act of bravery, love and determination to live and die with class and dignity. He will leave behind a wife and three children under the age of five. It is heartbreaking. Death is something that we eventually must all face. May we all have the honesty and fortitude that he has demonstrated.

Let your children paint their walls!

A Dog's Life & Natural Burial

2008-04-25T07:58:00.000-07:00

Whether you love Martha Stewart or love to hate Martha Stewart, if you are a dog person (or maybe even a cat person) you will appreciate the loving tribute she published on her blog to her beloved 13-year-old dog Paw Paw.

Displayed in photographs are the last days and hours of her friend's life. Her other dogs snuggle close to him. Martha nuzzles him. He died at home, surrounded by his mates and feeling loved, I'm sure. It is sweet and sad.

Then he gets a natural burial. No gaudy casket. Nothing over the top. He appears to be wrapped in muslin, and tied with a blue ribbon. His buddies sniff him. He is buried simply. The flat stone that marks his grave is hand-etched. Lucky dog.

It's not preplanning

2008-03-15T03:38:00.000-07:00

The term preplanning is in standard use in the funeral industry. As trivial as it is, if using language properly is trivial, then the term preplanning is a poor and improper use of the English language. This annoys me. Yes, I know I make mistakes, too, but I am not an entire industry advertising a service that blatantly displays my ignorance. When I first started my business I used the term too, because I wanted people to recognize one of my services. But I couldn't keep it up, and now I use the terms planning ahead or advanced planning. It's not like I want to fit in with the gang, and I have to explain what my services are anyway. So now, perhaps, it will bother you too when you read it. Sorry.

Along these lines, and following up on my last posting, the Illinois FDA that lost 40 million dollars in its pre-paid funeral trust does have insurance to reimburse the trust. Yes, the board members lives are insured to recover the funds. I love the irony of this.

Trust not trustworthy

2008-02-22T14:11:00.001-08:00

According to Illinois Funeral Director and blogger R. Brian Burkhardt, the author of Rest in Peace: an Insider's Look at the Low Cost Less Stress Funeral, the Illinois Funeral Directors Association (IFDA) has mismanaged 40 million dollars in preneed trust funds. See his blog posting at yourfuneralguy.wordpress.com

Apparently the money did not get stolen, as raiding preneed trust funds is not new to the prepaid funeral industry, (for example see starbulletin.com/2004/06/19/news/story6.html), but was merely mismanaged into a deficit. Forty million dollars would cover a lot of funerals. And what happens to all the people who place their money in a "trust" if the til runs dry? They or their families have to pay again.

Prepaid funerals are not a good idea. Now, if you have your heart set on a nice scenic cemetery plot next to your spouse's, you can purchase that piece of land knowing it isn't going to disappear or be withdrawn, or shrink in size and service. Please determine how much the funeral you want is going to cost, then open a pay on death account at a bank called a Totten Trust. This will insure that your money will not be lost or stolen, and the interest should accrue and cover any increase in prices.

Did anybody think to bring a shovel?

2008-02-12T13:59:00.000-08:00

There is a website called Mamasource.com where parents can make posts and ask questions related to parenting, and other parents respond. The questions and answers are all pretty interesting, and I think the site is a good resource. Recently there was a post that asked if it was appropriate to bring young children to funerals. Although I didn't read every response, I was impressed with the thoughtful words of support for including children in the process. Many, many people affirmed that death is a part of life and that children should not be sheltered from the reality. Several people described situations where children actually helped alleviate the sadness. One person lamented that they did not go to their grandfather's funeral when they were six, and had always regretted being left out of saying goodbye. Of course, this is a personal decision, and if an infant might distract or a toddler might disrupt, then perhaps a babysitter should be considered. But all in all, if the child knew the deceased or was close to the deceased the overwhelming response was, yes, absolutely, include them.

This reminds me of a story my mother likes to tell about my grandfather's funeral, which took place before I was born. After the church services the family members entered limousines to take to the cemetery. During the drive, my older brother, who I believe was about six at the time, asked in all earnestness, "Did anyone think to bring a shovel?" Well, apparently this practical and sincere comment made everybody laugh. In fact, it relieved so much tension, that the group had a hard time stopping the laughter as the limousine arrived at the cemetery. The driver had to wait until the laughing jags were completely over before opening the door to let everybody out.

A Little Help From My Friends

2008-01-30T18:19:00.000-08:00

I just finished reading Pattie Boyd's book, Wonderful Tonight. Pattie was a model in London when she met George Harrison, the young man she would marry and later divorce in order to marry musician Eric Clapton. She chronicles the rise and break up of the Beatles, the rock and roll British counter culture of the 60's, and the fallout when a void is created after a dynamic personality dies. When the manager of the Beatles, Brian Epstein, died in 1967 of an accidental overdose, she witnesses the unraveling of the Fab Four. Brian had not only managed the group, but held it together.

Sometimes there is a void after a death, and it is helpful to seek professional counseling during times of loss. I have witnessed many people who made poor life decisions while grieving, and enter rebound relationships, bad business choices or trust the wrong person. I met a really cool lady who works with grieving children and adults. Her name is Cheri Masshardt, and she is a licensed clinical social worker. She truly loves helping people through the transition of coping with loss. Her website is www.healingjourneyoftheheart.com. I asked her if she ever got depressed dealing with sorrow every day, and she said no, it doesn't get to her, and she truly loves what she does. I don't think therapists can fill the void, but I do think they help people prevent it from becoming a vacuum. Sometimes you just need a little help, and it's good to know there are great people out there.

Memory Lap Quilt

2008-01-13T11:57:00.000-08:00

On Thursday, January 10th, I attended a meeting for ADEC (Association for Death Education and Counseling), where I met some amazing people. Cynthia Beal, of the Natural Burial Company, was giving a talk on natural death and green burials. She was very well received, and every time I am around her I learn something.

Although I came to meet the group, and hear Cynthia, I was unexpectedly moved by a guest who was invited to share her skill of making memory lap-quilts. She explained how after her husband had died in 1997 she made two quilts using his old shirts, and how they brought her great comfort. The thought of wrapping yourself in something as personal as your loved ones old clothes seems like a nice way to be near them.

The cost is $75, and takes 4-6 weeks. There are different patterns to choose from, and requires six items of clothing. She can also do quilts that are not memorial quilts, of course. To contact her, call (503)650-9884.

Too Close for Comfort

2008-01-06T21:26:00.000-08:00

In the January 6th Oregonian there was an Associated Press story ripe for the late night talk shows. Would there were not a writers strike going on in Hollywood!

James Asper and Mary Hansen, partners in Aspen Funeral Home, LLC are leasing a 6,000 square foot building in Couer D'Alene, Idaho, with the intention of opening a funeral home across the street from a senior center. The two potential business owners were oblivious to the irony that the seniors, who were not amused, recognized immediately. One regular said she didn't want to look at a reminder of her eventual demise while she's eating lunch. So, when the seniors took umbrage and brought a petition signed by about 100 protesters to the Couer D'Alene City Council asking them to deny a special permit for the site, Hansen said, "We find it a little disconcerting that they would think that location is intentional."

Wow! So they weren't calculating, just insensitive and clueless.

Uh, good luck with that business, James & Mary.

A chance to throw rose petals

2007-12-30T19:17:00.000-08:00

Sadly, I have been reading about the assassination and funeral for Benazir Bhutto, the former Pakistani Prime Minister who had returned from self-imposed exile just 10 weeks ago.

Her funeral was not that of a former head of state; no pomp, no circumstance, no police escort. Yet tens of thousands came to see her returned to her family mausoleum, with her simple wooden coffin draped in the red and black flag of the Pakistan People's Party.

Her supporters said it was the kind of funeral she would have wanted, where even the poorest people could get a glimpse of her coffin, and have a chance to throw rose petals.

New Year Resolution

2007-12-24T16:26:00.000-08:00

With 2007 wrapping up, we start turning our thoughts to the New Year, and what we want to accomplish in 2008. I'd like to suggest that you give some thought to writing your obituary. Not for the purpose of publishing, let's hope, but for the purpose of self-assessment. The act of reflecting on your life will have a profound effect on your future.

This should take some time, some contemplation, and although not easy, it is a powerful act of accepting and embracing who you are, what you have accomplished, how you want to be remembered, and what you want to do in 2008 in order to make your life and your obit as meaningful as possible. Next year and every year you will be able to update what you have written, and you will see change and growth. Someday, people will read it, and because you wrote it, they will feel your presence when they read it and recognize your voice when they hear to it. Not a bad thing to do for those who care about you.

I learned about this exercise from Nora Cedarwind Young, a pagan priestess. Her website is: www.thresholdsoflife.org. Thank you Nora. Don't forget to leave this obituary with your letter of instruction, in a plastic bag in the refrigerator, just in case. When you do this, I hope you are able to look back on your life with satisfaction. If not, then as they say, there is no time like the present. Make your history now.